Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were a lifestyle blogger. Then I remember that is a dum-dum-stupid idea, because I do not live with the amount of grace it takes to be a lifestyle blogger. I do not eat organic kale. My life isn’t an overexposed Instagram photo. I live, instead, with the grace of a hippopotamus eating a whole watermelon; the proverbial sweet guts are always spilling out from my toothy maw, all over my chin. I leave the seeds in my stomach to grow without care.
But if I had a lifestyle blog, it’d be the realest fucking lifestyle blog there is. Here are my lifestyle picks for the week/month, because let’s be real I’ve actually been meaning to do this post for a month and I’m such a hot mess that I couldn’t get it together until right the fuck now.
Fleeing Your Home Because You Do Not Have Time To Clean It
This has been happening for a month or so. I work from home, and I have the unfortunate and uncute personality quirk of needing to clean my entire apartment before I get any work done. My deadlines have been so hard and fast this month that, instead of doing that, I have left dirty dishes to rot in the sink and simply left. Thank fuck for libraries. I do not have to clean libraries.
Free Chapstick, Sunglasses
This has also been going on for the last month. I do not usually lose things, but this has been my month to lose things. It started at AWP, when I misplaced my chapstick. Luckily, I was presented with unflavored free VIDA chapstick and I continued to use it for days because I never changed my jeans and it was in the pocket. Fastbackward two weeks and I left my chapstick at home, but was at NY Tech Day and was once again presented with free chapstick, this time with .lgbt printed on it. I was all, MY PEOPLE, and I grabbed a green one. It tastes like green. I am still using it.
I also went to talk to the Via table at NY Tech Day both because I hate Uber and because they were giving away sunglasses, and wouldn’t you know it, I misplaced my nice fossil sunglasses? I wore them for the day, found my sunglasses, but have since misplaced my nice fossil sunglasses two more times and I still haven’t found them yet. I am now wearing free sunglass that say #ridewithvia on the side. But that’s fine. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before it scratches off, being that they are High Quality Sunglasses. The very fancy woodgrain is already starting to chip away at the bridge of my nose.
Spending Money You Barely Have Because It’s Independent Bookstore Day And Capitalism Has You By The Balls
Or because I love Book Culture so much. Plus I also lost my nice water bottle this month and had to replace it because I spend all my time fleeing my dirty apartment and I’m thirsty. Plus there was this great graphic novel called Baba Yaga’s Assistant, and I’m a sucker for all things Baba Yaga. Witches that eat children forever. I’ll just shift money over from my grocery budget. It’s fine.
Park Work; Animal Feces
Sometimes I work in the park. I’m working in the park right now. This month, I had a bunch of Amazon gift cards laying around, so I decided to upgrade my park game by purchasing a luxury picnic blanket by Freddie and Sebbie. And I love it. It’s marvelous. It’s so soft. It’s not tacky. It’s got a waterproof backing and comes with a nifty handle. So I went to work in Central Park with my new luxury picnic blanket. I invited a friend. She brought grapes and hummus and carrots and I worked on my novel for hours. For a hot minute there, I was living the life that one might hashtag “blessed.”
And then a bird pooped on me. I tried to live like an actual lifestyle blogger for one day and a bird pooped on me.
Dressing Like An Allie Brosh Cartoon
All photos taken with my iPhone because I don’t give a fuck.